“And did you get what you wanted from this life, even so? I did. And what did you want? To call myself beloved, to feel myself beloved on the earth.”

— Raymond Carver (Late Fragment)

Fierce Fluid Fathomless

On the verge
Coming through the black into the grey
Where the shadows place your memory among the tombstones –
Now I catch the severed Mourning
Rest it on my knees in wistful sweetness
Simmering in my veins, a longing that chokes my breath
Purging what almost was and what never will be
Demons roam through my sorrow, rampant with flowers of the dead
They litter my burdened mind with loves carcass
Bent and rusted, it stands on this sacred ground of all that’s lost
Torn from anguished blood-soaked fingers that wrote their adoration on your body
Tracing lines and curves, heat turning to fire that lit that midnight room
A spongy, torrid womb, overflowing with unapologetic, visceral, lustic desire
Birthing letters and verse into writings that welcomed the moon –
Stained it with affection that made eyes blush
My body exhausted from hemorrhaging words late into the lonely hours
That deliciously ruined the innocent – though they were warned not to sip –
The ravishment of eroticism provoked
Infested and drunken, their maddened pupils flaring with transformation – They hate what they seek
Haunted now, as I
Pores seeping distressed, melancholic rage, manifested from stolen devotion –
Since you ran into the shadows, turned left toward the dead
The wind swallowing my voice, begging for a rewrite of your torment
But sliding from your smudged pages in primitive, violent anguish… Sentiments
Were pointless in their disordered chaos, striped of their poetic allegories
And you were more concerned in communing with the dead… Intoxicated
With their cryptic allure, and their skulking, chalky bones –
They were biting off chunks of time, stealing my image, eating the truth of us
They wrapped you in their bony cages
Became your circle of infinity
As the trees rained blood, drowning my visions, decimating dreams – Ruining madness!…
Spitting our perfume on the slippery, blood-soaked ground
No good goodbye under this mortal moon
Kisses falling through the heavy air to land beneath the weeds
Crushed by the footfall of howling specters as they tore you from my eyes
Ripped me from your soul –
Broke their wings, before the crows could scavenge any pain
Discontent the only arms waiting for my miseries
I hide in this midnight room, seeking our smoky aroma between sheets, and in corners
Exorcising letters and verse in an attempt to kill the pain in my love
Penning anguished sufferings in an effort to lure the demons –
Come, take these bitter renderings so I can weep
Come, take this vile torment so I can sleep
The murder of my soul lends a madness to my words that would amuse you
But this solitary languishing is brutally unfair Leave me to nothingness, ashes or dust, not… this…
When your shadow is cast upon these walls
There is no comfort here, no small joy in your apparition
Only a wincing ache, deep within my breast as I try to peel you from my skin
A savage bondage…
My eternal consuming burden


Mourning Grey Tears

He flew down in raven form
Dark silky hair and deep eyes, talons set to clutch something soft
Perched on the highest limb, narrowed focus on my open heart
I painted my pain on his chest after the first betrayal, and asked him –
Is love worth protecting?
I bathed him in my tears, after the second betrayal, and asked him –
What is there without truth?
He hoarded infidelities, like they were candied jewels to build his nest
Chattering lies while declaring love
I wrote my sorrow in the sky
Words that sucked up the warmth of the night, spit out winters breath –
Infested my heart with devastation that crept into an icy catacomb of hopelessness
His razor beak shattering it into crystal splinters that spilled onto the concrete steps
Each shard a lyrical chime of loss
I asked him to look at the sunlight on the wall and tell me –
Why aren’t your actions shadows of your words?
But his response was to fly into the sky and puncture the stars until darkness swallowed my voice
I will always be his haunting; his ghost wrapped around me beneath my skin
He will keep me a mystery –
Put me in a dusty corner of his mind, where the breeze never stirs, behind the 13th door
He’ll scratch at the soft earth, bury my name and fly on
He wanted my love and devotion
While he gave his to the magpie, her deceitful nest full of sorrow and bones, life leeched from lovers by her acid soul
He wanted to wring from me every drop of life –
Then leave me in the field like a brittle scarecrow…
Vacant eyes, empty heart, wordless voice…
Waiting for someone to come along and cut open my mouth
So I could scream my piercing pain
Let it bounce off of the crumbling mountains
Let the wind carry it until it found him and tucked itself beneath his wings
Ferrying him until the day his barren, corpse heart strummed its last beat
And he lay on the mountain, decaying into the soft earth
Feathers, bones and flesh congealing into a silent, calm nothingness
No longer a torrent or a torment stealing my comfort –
Chaining my mind to crucifying nightmares that induced lacy vomited wretchedness –
Growing sorrow that withered newborn seeds of love
I thought that he might love me and eventually lie beside me in deaths peacefulness
Such beauty that drew my heart but such ugliness that broke my spirit…
Why he slowly strangled our chance at a life together is anyone’s guess –
I doubt that even he knows
And so my pain, tears and sorrow mark our grave, and I ask him –
Did you ever love me?
And we both know that although he says “Yes, I’ve always loved you – I love you now,”
Too much damage has been done and it’s too late to believe
Even though he might have finally realized that love is worth protecting
And he is finally, actually telling the truth
The canyons sing our sad love song
Weeping tears tortured in 13 ways
13 Eternal scars upon my abandoned heart
To remember him by


Soothing Silence in the Shadowland

Walking toward your eyes
Beautiful death…
I ignored the inferno that lit the mountains
Brushed your lips with my dreams
My hands caressing your body like it was a sacred scripture
My soul breathing to your dead words
My heart beating for this vacant soul of the damned
Foulness so ugly, the moon wrapped it in pretty
Mesmerizing poetic chaos, words that will endure like your shadow
As it hovers on the back wall long after you’re gone
Your native eyes staring in at me through fingerprinted windows…
Leave me out of your visions –
Stop conjuring my dreams
Twisting my love into pain while you burn down our house –
And I am annihilated as I write your pain
Your unbound, tortured declarations
Seasons that were severed, pulled from your soul
As you stumbled through dark, drunken madness
Beneath a ghost moon, bloated with repulsive confessions that you howled into her belly
There is a cemetery here
But your angel trumpets aren’t blooming yet
Your heart wanders through the garden on the hour, like precise clockwork
As I watch through the window
My strangled, tragic heart the burden of loving you
The devastation of your past on your lips every time we kiss
Begging manifestation… —
You call out from your dreams…
Her name on your breath in a silken lovers purr
Our bed no haven, no blessed slumber; I stand in the corner
Trying to melt into the walls along with my spoiled eyes, my blistered ears – My wordless mouth…
My bleeding mind… why can’t this inferno finish me?
Melting corners on our ghost photographs
Warping tear-stained, lonely poetic words
Choking passion as its thick, demented smoke pours from our windows
While I stand inside
Aching for a glimpse of you… looking for a glimpse of me…
But you will never see through those sutured eyes…

But you’re too busy pacing in the garden…
Your heart wandering through magnetic wormholes
Mistaking madness for angelic, profound love
You glance my way but your eyes don’t see me
I’m just a shadow on your eyelashes
As I beg through the window
And the fire gets hotter, clinging to the walls
Burning our house down