Mother

Mother
I feel so very old today
How I can feel like I’m dying, yet feel numb
I can’t explain
I’m so lonely, so alone
And I wish that I knew how to put heartbroken away –
Pack it in that well-worn suitcase sitting quietly in the back of my closet…
Heartbroken is so loud
Regret and defeat, unwanted, unloved, dead dreams and emptiness clinging to it –
Time grinding away at my bones, my mind, my soul, wringing through it…
Mother
How did I get here so fast?
How is it that you’ve been gone all these years?
It seemed like you didn’t fight, but I know that you did, in your own way
I would have given up so much for just one more word
But you climbed inside of yourself without a goodbye
I was ambushed by the abnormal in the normal of your dying –
When the sound of your voice ran off, and took with it the green light in your eyes…
I was that little girl, standing on the playground at Madison
Turned toward the window of our apartment, waving to let you know that I made it
Waiting for you to wave back
I didn’t know that you would disappear before you left for good –
Was it the chemicals? Or the fear? Or bitterness or rage?
Or that you were tired of the story and abruptly turned the page?
Mother
I haven’t been happy in such a long, long time
I make the best out of it though, like I always have
I blow kisses to the mirror
And whisper to midnight
Because if I didn’t then no one would ever see or hear me
And I think I would go mad
Yes, I have someone but he finds me hard to love
I thought that it was the other way around
But he tells me that I’m crazy, feeds me IV gasoline lies
Says that I was damaged before he ever touched me –
Then stabs me once or twice
Mother
I miss our coffee and conversations in your little kitchen when I’d go home to visit
You often said that when you get old no one wants you, and I woke up old today
Too tired to care anymore
To put heartbroken away –
How did I end up here so fast, in this brutal, forsaken place?
I’m just having a moment where I feel ashamed and alone
Where wounds are reopened as rock hits each bone
If I could cry, I’d drown myself, but I’m full of sawdust like a scarecrow
I’ve tried to be kind, tried to show love, tried to be lovely, and bubbly and true
But I’ve felt like a ghost for most of my life
I can’t even come close to expressing how much I wish you were here