My mourning gown My stinging undoing A wreck, ruined and breathless As my lungs insist –
This firesong was ours without a doubt Hearty passion, intuition, entered at our own volition Look through my seasons Look through my eyes Onto the parts of me that no one else should ever see Onto the pieces that should be left to obscurity Douse the melting flame With breath and touch and gasoline – With lips and mouth and quarantine – Where starched sheets tangle, like our legs As kiss becomes one spark to flame Within thin walls pressed ears could obtain Soft moans, in peaks of cherished pain Reckless marks on tender skin Taste so sweet they should be sin And mortal, crimson petals bleed Passion purring rhapsodic need Velvet smooth against the rough To singe so sweet never enough
And in my mind I live to dream Of angel wings we laid upon, as over skin our fingers crept til dawn – Fingers drenched in the sweet obscene That, after pulse and breath did still Did hold filter-tipped to our delighted lips Bleached, thin strips, of menthol flavored nicotine
Into your eyes I remember; I fell unbound Silent, sweet, searing sound To fade, to die as mortals do These lips immortalize what was true
My mourning gown My stinging undoing A wreck, ruined and breathless For what no longer does exist
You Were the highway of my childhood – Aspen birch skin, feline green eyes, waterfall, platinum tresses Curves and legs Hollywood voluptuous in a small-city girl; You were Marilyns prelude Your joie de vivre lighting the Hollywood strip, pale, candy cane pink kisses trailing behind you You inspired eyes of desire, and I I chased your magic – It followed you everywhere, although you rarely noticed I tried to catch it in a jar, but it was trickier than those fireflies that lit the lilac bush in summertime I tried to lure it onto my palm, but it was fierce and wild But as the years fell away, you did, as well Clouds of fire Rolling through the sky Roiling, toiling angry monstrosities Beautiful chaos like your embattled eyes Violin lips pressing a haunted melody against every blissful season, chilling each pleasant breeze Blowing icy kisses that frosted the ocean waves as you stood barefoot in the cold, wet sand Lingering somewhere that could never be touched… Captured in a Polaroid, your hair whipping in the wind, face turned sideways, eyes numb, like your smile And I dared never ask the question – Since your demons easily tripped you up And your spurs, and quills shot to attention, punching through your delicate, pale skin Like tarnished armor that kept you separate, kept you scarce and alone But I remember how I played in your shadow, looking up at you with adoration Heel to your toe – The whole world rose in your smile and danced to your laughter And should there ever be a measure of my soul It would be those breaths taken within the span of your ethereal wings Moments when your love unpeeled times grey shadows to reveal exquisite pastels beneath And, having forgotten who I was I found myself in the glint of your soft, fragile, velvet eyes While your lacy wings wrapped me in their lilac-scented sweetness… We brushed against, and pushed through the clouds that ringed the mountains Carbonated wilderness full of specters drier than a dead desert – Coughing up their putrid sawdust, choking us But you gathered me up and without hesitation, dove into the sky Wings beating a lullaby Flew past the sunflowers and marigolds To land in the clover-dotted grass Where we tended to our nicks and gouges And the world righted itself, surrounded by a cornflower blue sky… Your silhouette unfurls and I reach out from my dreams, my fingers sliding through empty air Drops slip beneath my lashes to flow down my temples into my dark hair I don’t want to open my eyes and admit nothingness – But it resides there, the yin to my yang Kitchen table coffee mornings were a best part of us Each time I traveled back, feet on the blue concrete landing, peering through the glass panes into my childhood Hand on the doorknob, eager I remember the time the egg shells cracked and I hid in the bathroom, sobbing – Unable to understand how I could make you so angry I still don’t know what happened that day, but I hold it close to me, along with sweet, candied moments Now that I can’t hold you This morning, I feel separate, scarce, alone, and wish for a lullaby; I’m looking at the sky Wishing for that fierce and wild in your long ago As you darted and dodged, hovered and swirled Prisms of colors, purples, greens, blues and lush black Wings that kissed my cheeks with tenderness as you flew by –
You were in the midst of your demons, stumbling drunk on confusion and rage I had taken on tragedy, tied it up and put it in a cage The sea in your eyes was crashing Battering, bruising and foul I was swept up into that miserable pain; Cyclone Wondering what I was going to do now You were the web spinner of discontent, flailing lament and chaos so savage it devoured its own meaning I was an inkblot out of proportion, a lonely distortion, and despair drenched in so much blue, it leaked into my shadow We fed each other our mysteries, murdered simple solutions trying to fit the pieces Your nails, staples and razor wire heart didn’t speak in my tongue But modern love bores me with its fraying before fully flourishing And I knew who you were beneath the webs that you’d spun – Beneath the fallout from betrayal, from the most selfish, cruelest deeds That left you a cut, bled, empty scarecrow lying facedown in the witchweed… It took a relentless, thousand mile wilderness trek with magnifying glass schematics To recall those first breathy exposures that we left mildewing in the attic – Those lips scorching new paths by the moons creamy illumination That cast out archival wounds and tiers of paraffin woe, melting once again Fire dance, flames that fly, shooting through a ferris wheel sky I thought that we could, but now the only question is… Why? Now with nowhere to belong No lasting impression, despite dragging my shadow to every sunlit wall And so the suffering… the corn rots on the stalks, sucked dry of its juices by the baking sun As am I, wasting away, parched and brittle from drinking an illusion all wrapped up in prettiness Spitting dirt, my bones shallow, disintegrating, falling into themselves, weeping… dust… My heart feasting on brittle duplicities Meanings have no meaning but we pile them up, create teetering monstrosities Sorrow and tragedy speak in obsidian hues I’ve never seen beautiful until you I’ve never known lonely could soak into my bones Leave me writhing, begging and screaming to be left alone I breathe but yet can’t catch my breath I wonder, am I awake or am I dreaming yet? We were a wildfire storm that chewed up a lilac-frosted sky And I’ll never regret what others will never understand Your name a wistful memoir on my lips – On the brink, like an hourglass sucking down sand When I recall how we decapitated muse and utopia Reckless and colliding like a magnitude 13 We notched fouls and madness, crashed and burned Set flame to the laudanum after we doused it with gasoline Thus this catastrophe that I have become – I dream hopeless gasps instead of tender sighs Wandering through a landscape of charred, lonely ruins
Blue swallowing love Begging, what, my dear heart, were we thinking of?